They look like a butterfly, they sting like a bee… Go figure
How do you explain and how does it make sense that the very thing you hated in your life is finally gone, but you sit there wondering why you feel so empty and you actually miss those emotions and feelings that have haunted you everyday for the past few months… go figure
Service to others can take a toll at times on you. Even more so if that someone is a close family member. To live their life and walk in their shoes gives life new meaning and understanding. And that gauntlet can take you to deep dark places you’d rather not be. But you go with no questions asked, determined to make some difference in that lost soul.
You experience the bad, the angry, the calm, the hope. You see a glimmer of light cg that seems to be growing with each passing moment you spend together, only to fade and disappear. There are many ups and downs along the way but you are resolved to see it through to the end, however long it takes.
There is hope and peace somewhere in all this. I truly believe the Lord keeps an eye out for you, me, us, if we but turn to him. And turn to him I did. Big time.
Such has been the last two months of my life as I tried to piece together a precious life. It consumed me, nawed at my bones and literally bugged me to death. I was so involved I couldn’t sleep and thought about this person every waking moment of the day… or so it seemed like.
But today it’s out of my hands. Someone has taken over. Someone to help and continue the loving, the helping and making sure this life has a chance to succeed. It ended just as abruptly as it began leaving me with a hole in my heart and a soul still wanting to know what else can I do.
Life is so crazy. The very thing you hate and complain about still naws at your heart even when it’s lifted from you. I find myself going back in time wondering why this happened or could I have done it differently. Remembering my feelings , thoughts, actions. My judgements, attitude, complaining. Did I make a difference? I think so. I hope so.
I have changed. My heart is empty but it’s also full, know what I mean…
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2010
Beginning Again: A daughter remembers, from her blog to mine.
My first beginning was a good one. I was born to a good mother and father with the sound of the ocean in my ear, sand at my feet and family at my fingertips. I knew nothing but love when I came into this world and love has stayed with me throughout my almost 35 years on this earth.
I have pictures and scenes from my childhood stored away in a special spot in my mind, saved just for me. Things like playing with the hose and a trash can in our long drive way. Eating a McDonalds breakfast in our car port, after a morning at the beach. Playing hide and seek in my AhPo’s backyard with my cousin. Coming home to hear puppies under our house, and then getting to play with the puppies before we gave them away.
Time seemed slower then. Maybe it was because we lived in Hawaii and the watches everyone wears there run a bit slower than the rest of the world. Maybe it was just because I was a kid, and when you’re a kid you have no one to worry about but yourself and when the next fun thing will come along.
Early one morning, before the sun was up, my father woke me. He wanted to go fishing. We packed our fishing gear in our Volks Wagon bus and went down to a spot near a pier. Dad put his big fishing rod in the sand and we fished. When you fish on the shore you don’t do very much. Just mostly sit and wait. Nothing spectacular happened and I don’t even remember bringing home a fish, but it is one of my favorite memories. I was four or five at the time and every time, from that morning on, we drove by that little spot by the pier I would remember our morning together. That morning was magic to me. I got to spend the morning with my dad all by myself, without my baby brother. Life was so great at age 4.
I did not know how magical my childhood was, until I became a mother and started to want for my children what my mother and father gave to me. I did not have fairey friends nor did I have a magic wand that granted me my every desire. The magic came from my family and the importance of family that was ingrained in me from the moment I was born. My AhKung used to say, “your friends will come and go, but family will be all you have in the end.” Well, it was something like that. He was right. He was the head of the family and he made sure we all knew how important family was. He told it to us often and showed us how even more often than he said it.
So fast forward a few years and here I am living at my mom and dad’s house, again, but with my four kids and husband too. Some days I feel so pathetic. How did we end up here? We should be on our own, in our own house, making magical memories for our kids. It’s only for a few months, but it still sucks! Then I remember that we are with family and my childhood magic started with my mom and dad, so maybe I can pass a bit of it onto my kids afterall. Maybe I don’t need a beach and a pier to give them some magical memories. Ugh! I’m so afraid the fondest memories my children will have of me is yelling and nagging at them, of which I do alot of.
So here at my mom and dad’s I get to begin again. I get to have a second beginning. My children will get to have a second beginning too. I hope one day they will say their beginning was a good one and their childhood was magic too. They were born with sunshine in their eyes, the desert at their feet and family at their finger tips. They have known nothing but love and love will be with them through their entire lives.
This was taken from Kanani’s blog without her permission. So sorry.
This is a repost: “Nine months of hell, a life time of heaven…” I didn’t have a chance to see her little body come into this world. At that time our (old school), doctor still was not letting the husband experience the birth of their child. As I sat in the waiting room for what seemed days, the concern for wife and daughter (or son) was unbearable and the anguish, exhausting.
Yes, we didn’t know what we were getting, how novel an idea. It was exciting, it was a mystery, it was wonderful, I was a mess. Dr. Saiki comes in and tells me I have a new baby girl and all is well. He was a great doctor, a little on the gruff side but we liked him. His wife was a Hawaii senator and very popular. So, off I go to see my wife and new daughter wondering what life had in store for us. Knowing that this life changing experience would forever leave its mark, it was a big mark, I was a dad.
As I entered the recovery room, I could see my wife looking as if she has been run over by a mack truck. “Get this kid away from me!” she screamed. I knew she didn’t mean a word of it… probably a natural reaction. My comments would have been far more expletive I’m sure. I could never be a women, as weak as I am. So, I gave her a big hug and told her how proud I was of her. That didn’t help out much either. “Everyone please leave me alone”, and out the room I went. My job for the moment was done. I gave her some space and she rested… She was my hero.